Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
