In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
