Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
