Ambien. No doubt about it.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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