3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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