Cold hands, warm shart.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Randomize
