just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
