She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Brb crying the tears of my youth
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
