On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
