just tell him i said nine months
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
