whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
