MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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