i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
