hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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