I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
