She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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