You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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