You're so nebulous sometimes
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
