morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
