she looked like the before picture.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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