Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
