McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
This is classic penis vs brain.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
