Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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