If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
