lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
