I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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