Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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