Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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