Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
