dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
