I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
