guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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