grandma shit on top of the toilet
I think I won the penis lottery.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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