this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
