I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
