census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
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