is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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