Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
