I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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