My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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