I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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