I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
