fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Just pee around me
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
