Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
