I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
