I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
