Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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