You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
