Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
