Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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