I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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