I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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